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Hard has he might try, he's distracted: being staff writer/publicist chronicling the antics of our lodgers at Loveless Motel can be tough, especially when he's temporarily displaced from his room because his traveling buddy decided to have an all day orgy and he has a deadline. The punters want their tall tales and dirty gossip, and it's already fucking Wednesday. But what's he doing typing? He should have stayed for the fun, and chalked it up to "research".

Despite the best efforts of our Intern Onboarding classes and instructors, sometimes a candidate just doesn't work out. Experience tells us that we really have to watch it when tapping blondes for our programming. A prime example is seen here; a classic difference between the literal and the figurative. Never tell a blonde already struggling with basic concepts to "get a move on" - that structure is going nowhere. Luckily, we have a successful offboarding process in which a man can work off the time and money we have spent on him, and he'll have a choice of joining the housekeeping staff until his debt is paid, or becoming a Certified Hustler (pending the outcome of a rigorous interview process), in which case his debt may be forgiven, or reduced.

We regret to inform those of you who've been waiting to check in by our promised 3 PM time, that due to a shortage of staff in housekeeping, as well as training issues, rooms will be assigned upon arrival but actual occupancy of rooms will be delayed until 7 PM today. Existing staff is working feverishly to clear the rooms, but the lack of domestic talent is made obvious by this documentary photo, indicating that when ironing linens, it does help to put the plug into a wall outlet. Inconvenienced guests will receive a 10 percent discount on one meal in any of our restaurants.

Recent events have forced the management team to seek the services of an investigative professional. Crime is on the rise at Loveless Motel, as evidenced by this candid shot of a perpetrator fleeing the scene, thought to be a possible jockstrap thief, caught on celluloid by ace Shutter Bug Camera Shop photographer "Snap" Wadmacher, who just happened to be in the right place at the right time (so he says).Therefore, effective immediately we announce we are taking applications to fill the position of a Hotel Dick, to receive a generous compensation package with dental benefits, and a Bank of America Christmas Club account, as well as private living quarters at Aluminum City (if so desired). The successful applicant who declines the living quarters will not be further compensated to offset the cost of seeking accommodations elsewhere. With the sudden uptick of petty crimes being committed against the business and guests, time is of the essence in filling the position. In-person interviews will be conducted after a review of mailed applications. Good luck to all the aspiring Dicks out there!

Busy night last night? Dick on your breath the morning after and you can't find your toothbrush? Call the front desk, young man, and we'll deliver, free of charge on most items such as toothbrushes, and only a slight cost to headache powders and other medicinal over the counter items like Ex Lax, or Pepto Bismol, or douche bags.

Don't be the guy who's embarrassed at the crucial moment when he says "Get those legs up in the air!" Loveless Motel has the solution: let our popular yoga instructor, Mr. Stretch N. Spreadam teach you how to attain the most complicated positions with ease. Meet Stretch on the pool deck every odd calendar day, and in the evenings at Ticklers Lounge where he is a bar back