What made you laugh today?

[anubis]

[majikthis]

Mike Pence’s Coronavirus Prevention Tips

“Mike Pence was criticized for his handling of Indiana’s HIV outbreak. He will lead the U.S. coronavirus response.”  — The Washington Post, 2/27/20

“Mike is going to be in charge and Mike will report back to me. But he has a certain talent for this.” -- Donald Trump

- - -

Viruses are not cells but rather a strand of genetic material within a protective protein coat called a “sin.” A virus is just your body’s way of telling you that your soul is damned. Why do you think the coronavirus hasa little halo? With that in mind, here are some tips for maintaining spiritual and physical purity in the face of a global, J-Lo-and-Shakira-Super-Bowl-halftime-show-level sin outbreak:

• Avoid contact with people who are not your spouse, priest, or the guy who lathers you head to toe in Pledge every morning.
• Avoid touching your eyes, nose, and mouth, you trollop.
• Avoid touching your genitalia while using the bathroom. The leeches should suffice in removing waste, temptation, and ill humors.
• Wash your hands for 20 seconds with holy water. Any longer than that, you’re just playing with yourself.
• Drink lots of fluids. I am partial to creamed corn.
• Do not wear a facemask. Masks are for cowards, the Antifa, and superheroes who wish they were Cyclops.
• Do not sneeze. A sneeze is one-eighth of an orgasm. Can you imagine?
• Stockpile a two-week supply of canned ham, shredded wheat, and repressed sexuality.
• Do not frolic or play with a canine as if it’s a human member of your family. Most likely, it is a trickster demon seeking to amplify its influence via your Instagram page.
• Get plenty of sleep, ideally during all the science mumbo-jumbo.
• Stand for the national anthem, even if it’s being sung by a homosexual.
• Hover your hand over your heart during the anthem. If your palm touches your chest, you’re just playing with yourself.
• Stay physically active. I recommend corporal mortification.
• Do not make eye contact with your reflection in a mirror, windowpane, or bowl of creamed corn. (That last one is three cardinal sins: pride, gluttony, and lust.)
• Do not play cards to pass the time. Today it’s solitaire; tomorrow it could be tarot.
• Do not smirk in the moonlight as if hiding a little secret behind your lips. Mother and Father are watching.
• Don’t even think about seeing that new version of Mulan.
• Pray the pandemic away, but only a few minutes at a time. Any more than that and you’re just playing with yourself.

(source: www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/mike-pences-coronavirus-prevention-tips)

Thanks to @JackFTwist for the link

Edited April 3, 2020 by majikthis

[JackFTwist]

3 hours ago, majikthis said:

• Drink lots of fluids. I am partial to creamed corn.

 

3 hours ago, majikthis said:

• Do not make eye contact with your reflection in a mirror, windowpane, or bowl of creamed corn. (That last one is three cardinal sins: pride, gluttony, and lust.)

Um, say what?  🤨

[anubis]

                                                                         

 

               

 

[Youri]

[JackFTwist]

8 hours ago, Youri said:

@Youri -- You've found the Van Gogh that was stolen recently!

[anubis]

                                 

 

 

[majikthis]

 

[Youri]

[stuck]

[anubis]

                          

 

 

[JackFTwist]

Signs of the changing times:



Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

 

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on "Wheel of Fortune." Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

 

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

 

Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom

 

Public Service Announcement:  Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

 

Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.

 

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.

 

So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of "My 600 Pound Life" just find me or do I find them?

 

Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

 

My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

 

Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

 

I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

 

I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.

 

Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

 

Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said, "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.

 

Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under.

 

 

Edited April 7, 2020 by JackFTwist

[Youri]

* Why Trump doesn’t want a mask

[stuck]

[Kawika]

[anubis]

           

 

[Steve]

[stuck]

 

[bakersman94]

3 hours ago, stuck said:

actually, it is far more pleasant if you have the cock pouch over your mouth, by putting the underwear over your head upside down .... that way you can breath cock fumes .... (((((S P R O I N G))))) 

Edited April 8, 2020 by bakersman94

[anubis]

          

 

[anubis]

  

 

[stuck]

[Kawika]

Yikes... and I thought flying in coach was bad!

[kleurbeertjenl]

19 hours ago, stuck said:

 

[kleurbeertjenl]

2 hours ago, Kawika said:

Yikes... and I thought flying in coach was bad!