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Finding True Love


Guest silver

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Guest silver

Today, I reflected a little on the process of finding someone on gay dating sites and gay chatrooms.

 

While its hard enough to find a mate, sometimes, I do feel as if every person I meet before my BF was just looking for a quick fix.

 

I rememeber the first few MSN chats I had with a few people. The first part (usually about 10 minutes) touches on the following things:

 

1. Whats your purpose / what are you looking for.

2. What are your vital statistics.

3. What you're doing / where do you stay.

4. Exchange of self pics

 

That part is the easiest. The 2nd dance is more difficult, and I've met with much angst here. It starts out fine, with some buildup of goodwill. Then it usually goes downhill like this:

 

him: wanna exchange contact numbers?

me: not at the moment. maybe we could chat a little more?

him: what for?

me: to get to know each other better. We should take the time to get to know each other

him: its difficult to chat online. Im usually not online.

me: maybe we should meet in person. Fix a time, a place, through email.

 

Then it goes downhill from here. All because of witholding my mobile number. ( I have to take precautions against stalkers, gay bashers, local police)

 

him: "Lets not waste each other's time here"

him: "You're immature. You dont know what you want. Bye"

 

Why do some men treat a relationship like a jackoff? Im so glad I have my BF. :wub:

But Im completely flabbergasted by the way these people roam the internet.

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Guest kiwikid

Great post Silver ... while I agree, its true that the internet is simply a sped up version of real life ... haha or real life is slowed down version of the internet (pick you perspective). The silver lining is surely that you can find out if he is going to be a waste of time much quicker, and therefore save yourself a lot of grief early on ....

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Guest kiwikid

do you want to expand a little more on being in the darkroom of a sleazy gay club in Amsterdam ... some of us have never experienced such things ????

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Hi Silver....lots of truth in your post. Online meetings are quite an unnatural thing, really. Although, they seem to be so popular because you can cut right to the punch, and say things directly, that you normally would not, because you are veiled in anonymity. That makes it *alot* easier for those looking for sex to be direct, and not waste time flirting in person.

 

The reason you're flabbergasted, is that your priorities are very different from the majority you will find in chatrooms. There's alot to sift through in there if you want to find someone of quality. And obviously there is quality there (since you've been there yourself)....but it just takes good skills to find the needle in the haystack.

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Guest silver

so its true. The entire confusion and fustration with such online activities lie in the mismatch of expectations.

 

I wanted to look for someone to spend my time with.

 

Its obvious now, but THEY wanted to have some "Hot Stuff, Baby THIS evening", like how the Donna Summer song goes.

 

@kiwi, nivek

LOL. I guess I was playing a more "feminine" role here. What a hoot. A man wanting courtship and romance before doing anything intimate. Maybe those guys on the other side were as exsasperated as I was.

"What is it with this guy? Chat? Im looking for a quick fuck!"

It works both ways - I also get to screen out those who were only out for a 1 nighter.

 

@kansas

honey, you sound like you've had a rough ride on your first "major move". Care to share your experience?

btw, I've tried exactly what you've mentioned. With a body pic, i got lots of views and messages in a few days, and once i've removed it and replaced it with my avatar, the views drop. How realistic of everyone.

here's my online profile if anyone's interested :)

SGBOY_profile2.png.xs.jpg

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I couldn't agree more Silver,

 

When I first got the Internet I set up a Gaydar profile, somewhat naive in my thinking that I could make friends and meet interesting new people

 

Nope, didnt work out that way - Every single one of them was so single-minded in their sole pursuit of getting laid. It really disgusts me as all it does in re-inforce the negative stereotype of gay men being promiscuous cock addicts

 

I was in a gay club in Birmingham and this bloke walks over, and without a word starts groping my cock through my trousers, What he didn't know is that I am famous for my ability to dead eye people (I can give one mean dirty look when I want to) So I just stared at Him unblinking until He left.

 

I get so annoyed, A Gay Bar in Brighton and I'm actually getting real conversation from the Barman, then without warning "So, How big is your cock then?"

 

Gutted!!

 

What the hell difference does that make?

I always tell 'em its tiny when that happens.

(Ha ha, I told one bloke I suffered from the condition 'Micropenis' - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Micropenis - and He just blanched and stammered obviously not knowing whether I was joking or not)

 

And as I am into all sorts of unusual facts I can really make it sound convincing

Some others to mention if you wanna scare a size queen off are...

 

"I have Hypogonadism" - (Immature Development of Sexual Organs)

 

"I have Kallmann's Syndrome" - (Sufferers do not go through Puberty)

 

I have never had a one-night stand and I dont ever intend to, and it has cost me.

I am 29 years old now and have only ever had one serious boyfriend (I lost my viginity to him at 25 and we were together for 9 months) Its now been 4 years since we split and I haven't had sex since (gulped) but I guess thats the price I pay for being a human being who just wants someone to love rather than going for 'a meet' or a glory-hole in a toilet cubicle wall

 

R x

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Guest silver

what an interesting post Cupboardy. Now I know what to expect in the infamous Gay Bar. I shall have to make you teach me the Eye and Word techniques.

 

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

 

I have a confession to make. I now have created for myself a love triangle, a third other, a huge conundrum...

 

Even though I had a BF, I was still looking around for more local gay friends. The intention was to widen my social circle, something pretty harmless. I just wanted to know more people who I could relate to (something akin to what I did at CF and now at BGP). I started off by stating my intentions, and that I was already attached, etc, on the local IRC channel.

 

Here comes along a cute chub bear, chatting me up. He was a nice fella. Sincere enough to go through the small talk and chatting online. We exchanged pictures. We liked what we saw, and decided to meet for dinner. Dinner was great. We talked a lot. I laughed alot too. We had some common interests. And it happened that we both liked what we saw even more. There was an air of seriousness about it and a lot of goodwill generated.

 

After dinner, he drove me back to my flat, and we said goodbye. I continued to chat him up over MSN half an hour later. Turns out that our feelings are mutual. He knows I have a BF, but he's open to anything.

 

And herein lies the problem. I really like him. He's different from my BF - I talk more, laugh more with him, and he's a great convesationalist. My BF, while cute, is more subdued. We dont really talk much - even if we do, its about the most mundane and forgettable things. The only thing thats making me hold back is the fact that we're together for 3 months now. We've had sex. We've exchanged some presents. We've spent the night together.

 

The glue thats holding me to my BF is pure physical attraction. He has a big squishy body. I love getting hugged and enveloped by him. Sex, like ive mentioned, is not all that great. I rarely get off. And usually its not a pleasurable buttfuck. I bear with the pain so that I get a big sustained hug from him when he comes in me.

 

Through our 3 months together, I've noticed that we have very few common interests. Im trying really hard to think of one which is substantial, and I can state none. Besides good food and jap porn, he takes no interest in what I like. In fact, he has mocked me for certain things I adore (stuffed animals/teddies, computer/console games, Gundam modelkits). He said "so old already, and you're still looking at these things". I show him my hurt look, eyes misting, and he goes "aww... have I hurt your ego?~hah hah hah". I retort back, but he maintains his stand, saying that I should grow up. Being the nice person I am, I just retreat into myself and never bring up my interests again.

 

I have, patiently accompanied him for his kitchenware, travelguide and aquarium exploits, and tried very hard to develop an interest in these things. (not that hard actually, I am quite the accomodating guy).

 

Have I come to a crossroads after a mere 3 months? I really hate partings, and I would like to keep it together. Its too early to say how I am with the new guy. Maybe I shouldnt let physical features over-ride what's important in a relationship. But its funny how 1st meetings are usually based on appearances.

 

His saving grace is that he's caring, kind, patient, and committed to this relationship.

 

I'm finding it hard to keep it together... It could be quite simply that Im evil. I should never have ventured out, thought about where we're heading and just enjoyed the ride.

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Guest kiwikid

@Silver - HUGZ - thats not easy man, but in the end you have to follow your heart, and reading you words it sounds like you are looking for more of a friend in a partner than a lover ...

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Silver

 

What can I say, It sounds like your mind may be already made up but you just don't know it yet...

 

There are however some points to consider

 

- Has your BF always been like this or was he ever more like the Man you've just met?

- Does your BF know you are not totally happy / have you spoken to him about how you feel?

- Is it just easier to stay where you are than to start afresh?

- Will this new Man change over time?

- Is this new Man genuine? Is it worth the risk if you split and this new guy changes His mind?

- Is your unfulfillment genuine or are you just getting itchy feet?

- The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence

 

Do not let the fact that you have been togethor for 3 months influence your decision in any way

You only get one life and its bloody short!

 

When you say the only thing holding you back is pure physical attraction I know exactly what you mean

My ex was the hairiest man I have ever seen (And if you know anything about me then you know that I am really into fur) and I loved having sex with him so much...But mre than that...being held, spooning at night I could have stayed there forever.

 

But.... I dumped Him - why? He was in love with me but I wasn't in love with Him, I knew I would end up hurting him if I stayed so I got out (And I was a wreck for ages afterwards, I cried my eyes out and he was totally stoic (and I was the one doing the dumping)

 

And so, I shall just say good luck and I hope you reach a decision soon

 

And remember, as Kiwikid said, you may just need a friend, and we're all here, just post a message and you know you'll get a response

 

I totally respect your honesty on this subject

 

take care bud

 

R x

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Guest silver
QUOTE(kiwikid @ Mar 21 2006, 04:24 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
@Silver - HUGZ - thats not easy man, but in the end you have to follow your heart, and reading you words it sounds like you are looking for more of a friend in a partner than a lover ...
[/b]


Maybe its just that I've experienced what if feels like to be loved. But the thing is that my lover isnt much of the friend I would run to if I'm in pain. Putting it bluntly, I feel that he's just keeping me for the sex.

I've thought about it a little more last evening, and I realised we do talk about important things in our life like how we are emotionally and sexually, and I take some comfort in that. The other glue that binds us is that we're both gay, and we understand what a gay person goes through.

If I were to follow my heart, I would be all over each man that comes along (lol, isnt that very Desperate-Housewifey). It would be a utopian polygamous open relationship. I could have lots of men to love and hold. But it would blur the distinction between a BoyFriend and good FuckBuddies. It also sounds very slutty. :diablo:
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Guest silver
QUOTE(cupboardy @ Mar 21 2006, 08:58 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Silver

What can I say, It sounds like your mind may be already made up but you just don't know it yet...

There are however some points to consider
[/b]


- Has your BF always been like this or was he ever more like the Man you've just met?
My BF has always been like this. He is a stable, predictable and simple chap. Not much of a talker. Which I do find nice too - someone who I can enjoy because I do love quiet moments.
The man I've just met is quite a smooth talker. He can find all kind of things to talk about. It could be because of his occupation - he's a Sales Executive.

- Does your BF know you are not totally happy / have you spoken to him about how you feel?
No. I fear him laughing at me again. It felt so bad. But you have a great point Cupboardy. There was a problem, and I ran away from it. I'll see what I can do to bring it up with him. Thanks.

- Is it just easier to stay where you are than to start afresh?
Yes. But its easy to start with this new guy too. He knows my background. He knows there's a BF. And my BF knows that I'm around chatting with other gay people as well. So the stage is set.

- Will this new Man change over time?
Thats a tough question to answer. He might. He might not (like my present BF, stable as a rock). I concurr that people put on their best at the start of a relationship, and start to show their other sides later on. Its like going for a job interview isnt it...


- Is this new Man genuine? Is it worth the risk if you split and this new guy changes His mind?
Thats a big risk I know. I'm not all too unhappy with my current BF. Just a little annoyed, but nothing that'll cause me to die. I am not sure if he's genuine or not. Everyone says that they're sincere and genuine, but I'll let his actions and body language do the talking.

- Is your unfulfillment genuine or are you just getting itchy feet?
It's both. Maybe my expectations of a BF are getting out of line. Maybe Im asking for too much. I know its hard enough to look for a life partner, and I should be thankful for what I have. I sorta envied the way my BF had a few gay friendships, while I had none. There was this inner compulsion to go out there and see who I can find. I'm friends with you, WW, kiwi, year, mercedez, etc. But its different when you can talk to someone in person. Like a confidante.

- The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence
Isnt it always. :lol:

Thanks for sharing your love life with us too. You're a wonderful person. You dumped him so as not to hurt him, but you got hurt instead, more than he did. Well, at least you didnt hurt him like you said.

I think I'll just have to speak to my BF about stuff to get it sorted better. Thanks :)
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Guest kiwikid

Well Silver I admire you for asking the hard questions. Just don't rush for the easy answers. A heterosexual construct of relationship is not necessarily your lot. Your utopian views can be reality. Love is not a singular and monogomous reality, it always has layers of complexity and beauty, because that in the end is what it is all above. And sex for me is an expression of that love, and can have just as many layers as emotional love.

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Guest silver
QUOTE(kiwikid @ Mar 21 2006, 03:03 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Well Silver I admire you for asking the hard questions. Just don't rush for the easy answers. A heterosexual construct of relationship is not necessarily your lot. Your utopian views can be reality. Love is not a singular and monogomous reality, it always has layers of complexity and beauty, because that in the end is what it is all above. And sex for me is an expression of that love, and can have just as many layers as emotional love.
[/b]


are you saying that its alright to have a love partner :wub: , a sex partner :bananas: and a emotional confidante :cry: - a few different people all at the same time?

That'll be great! :drool::

But how acceptable is it to the other parties? Wont there be jeleaously? Unless I make it clear what angle Im coming from I suppose. Theres some clarity of situations and expectations.
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Guest kiwikid

hahaha didnt say it was easy, its about being authentic with yourself and with others. Why should one form of love be devalued and one elevated ... dont get me wrong, for me Im not suggesting every love is the same, and some are more special than others ... but it worries me when I see people screwed up with guilt because they feel that what they are experiencing or embodying with someone else is bad ...

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Guest silver

you know, its funny how we know that no one is perfect, and we've been taught (by friends, society) that we should accept a partner and be content for what we've got.

 

What you're saying sorta throws all that out of the window - that its ok to find other forms of love in other people? Isnt that like... cheating?

 

 

 

 

 

 

(btw, I hate it when threads like these degenerate into a pure dialogue about me... we should have a discussion, so if they're any of you who have anything to say, feel free to jump in and say it. The thread title is still "Finding True Love")

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest vivendi

Great....i was talking about this yesterday with some friends.

 

I am not against chat, but it doesent fit me.

I still prefer to meet someone "live" and guys let me tell you

i had the worst experience with guys met in chat.

 

I think it' s just speed dating..... really speed dating.

 

xx

 

viv

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Guest silver

heh heh. Tell me about it vivendi.

 

I just met up with a guy I chatted with over IRC. His pictures looked so cute. In person though, its him, but he looks sorta... slim? (like me?). I was hoping for some baby fat :)

 

He was in a rush anyway, and after passing him a copy of my jap porn collection, i went home for dinner.

 

Reality bites.

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  • 13 years later...
On 3/20/2006 at 9:19 AM, cupboardy said:

I am 29 years old now and have only ever had one serious boyfriend (I lost my viginity to him at 25 and we were together for 9 months) Its now been 4 years since we split and I haven't had sex since (gulped) but I guess thats the price I pay for being a human being who just wants someone to love rather than going for 'a meet' or a glory-hole in a toilet cubicle wall

You should try being a slut!!  

JK JK

I have mucho respecto for boys who want to find love.  That's right before I take them home with papi 🤣

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