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My boyfriend's porn habit - should I be bothered?


JoelR

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A personal friend of mine (let's call him "Danny") and I have been talking, and he sent me the following question:

I've been dating my boyfriend for about 2 years. We're monogamous. We discuss marriage often. The relationship is more than anything I could have hoped for. 

About a month ago, I noticed he had a tumblr app on his phone. I asked if this was for looking at/saving porn, and he admitted that it was. I told him that I didn't like that he was looking at porn. It makes me feel like he's not getting his sexual desires fulfilled with me, so he's having to seek them elsewhere. And also that it hurt my self esteem, because then I'm going to wonder what is he looking at that I can't provide? Men with better bodies? Older men? Younger men? Men of a different race? A bigger dick? A better ass? I also told him that I believe that just looking will eventually not be enough and he's going to seek that gratification in other ways. His response was that he doesn't feel the same, he believes it's just for entertainment, but the fact that it made me feel that way hurts him, so he would stop and focus his sexual desires only on me. 

He doesn't know that I know his tumblr URL, so from time to time I check it. Recently, I've noticed that he's been following new people, so he's clearly logging in. Today, he's off from work. I checked his tumblr an hour after I'd left home, and he'd followed 4 new blogs in that hour. It's like he couldn't wait for me to leave so that he could be alone and look at porn. That hurts me. 

My question to you guys is "how do I handle this?" I'm very aware that things are "different" in the "gay world". Certain things that may not be acceptable in straight relationships seem to be acceptable in gay relationships. I'm really trying to avoid being a prude and controlling my boyfriend, but the fact that I asked him not to do this because it hurt me...I thought that he would respect that. I just feel lied to and disrespected. I wish he would have just told me that he felt differently and didn't feel like he needed to stop. At least that would be more honest. Now, I'm questioning other things that he's told me he'd stop doing because of how they made me feel (in the beginning of our relationship, he thought it was ok to keep texting his ex flings, until I told him it's not). 

Please, give serious advice. I'm reaching out, here, instead of asking a friend, because I don't want anyone to think negatively about him. Thanks, guys.

What advice would you give Danny? 

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  • 4 months later...

It seems to me, and I don't claim to be any sort if expert, that Danny is forcing his boyfriend to hide his porn from him, seeking gratificaction by himself. His boyfriend has strong needs he obviously feels only porn can fulfill, hence the reason for continuing to go behind Danny's back.

Rather than take the position that his boyfriend isn't satisfied with him, maybe Danny should try sharing his boyfriend's interests as a couple?  Maybe try figuring out what his boyfriend's needs are by sharing time together and exploring various online sites, perhaps subscribing to a site or two?

If his boyfriend was made to feel comfortable sharing his porn with Danny, it seems they could use it to deepen their relationship, and he would be much less likely to hide his habit.  But IMHO, trying to control someone's behavior will only succeed in driving them away.

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I think the bigger issue here is trust not that he's looking at porn. You dont trust him but yet your're spying on him . I've always got the impression gays are more horny . If he isn't ignoring you and and you have been happy with your sex life then I wouldn't push that issue but rather the one about trust and being more open to each other. Married straights still gave their Playboys etc so why any different with gays. I would really ask him why he has this need and maybe its something you can both share in. If it 's become his sole pastime ,an adiction, then I would suggest seeing  a counselor together.

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I think part of the reason for Danny's personal discomfort is that he's self-aware, and perhaps feeling a bit lacking.  Based upon the anecdote, Danny was concerned about his boyfriend texting prior flings, and now he's worried about his boyfriend getting his release through porn.  I think there are deeper trust issues going on.  

With that said, the unfortunate reality is that it can be very easy for porn to be an outlet since it's everywhere, and it's just as easy to hook-up on the sly.  

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  • 1 month later...

Trust is essential. Danny's boyfriend probably not gonna like to know he has been spied on... this is something they need to work out through conversation. 

In my opinion, if it's a great guy, who Is kind to you, and you love him, don't spoil it for such an unimportant reason.

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  • 1 month later...

I was monogamous for almost 20 years, with the first guy I ever slept with.   I really wanted to experiment with other guys, but felt it wasn't allowed.  My husband and I never talked about our sex life, which was never that great.  We used to watch porn together sometimes but that somehow dwindled and porn became an outlet I enjoyed in secret when he wasn't around.   I ended up sleeping with a younger guy who showed interest in me, and now my husband and I are in counseling.  We are trying an open relationship.  But things would have been so much better if we had talked openly about our sexual needs from the beginning!  I could have made it clear how important porn was to me, and also my desire to be able to play around with others, rather than just trying to ignore it and pretend it wasn't there.   And I could have explored my sexuality when I was younger.

The point of my story is that I'm guessing being able to watch porn is important to Danny's boyfriend but he is afraid to say so.  Not being able to look at it is probably a deal breaker for him, but he is trying to just do it on the down low since that is easier than dealing openly with the conflict.    I suggest they talk this over with a therapist.   My personal opinion is that Danny has very unrealistic expectations. 

 

 

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  • 4 weeks later...

i believe that there is a very real difference between enjoying porn  and a fulfilling sexual relationship with your partner. The two are not mutually exclusive, and are quantitatively and qualitatively different things.

Men are inherently visually stimulated animals, and porn provides a channel for that need. Having both means of satisfaction allows balance. Porn does not provide intimacy but it does provide release.  Sex provides both intimacy and release.

My partner and I both enjoy masturbation when alone, and it provides a means of quick and safe release without any sort of quid pro quo. We both know about it, and we each reserve that for ourselves. With different schedules we each get what we need. 

I have no desire to be with another man, my lover truly does fulfill my needs on an emotional as well as physical level. In truth how many of us have time and stamina to engage in the full act each and every day, and perhaps twice a day since each has his own biological schedule? 

I need to cum each morning as part of the start of my day. I am 64 and that has been true for more than 50 years.  Masturbation while watching literally a couple of minutes of well made porn allows me that daily release and "me time".  Making love with my partner provides physical contact and intimacy that masturbation does not.

My partner and I each have different requirements for porn stimulation. We are 35 years apart in age. He gets hot looking at silver daddies, I get hot looking at young well built men. We can't share porn simply based upon our different tastes.

We make time on weekends for marathon trysts, and it takes a lot out of us. It is usually followed by a extended nap in each others arms.  On the occasional weeknight one or the other of us will initiate a spontaneous blowjob just about anywhere in the house with no expectation of any kind except for the satisfaction of sucking a cock we love, getting that mouthful of our partners cum, and seeing his eyes glass over after shooting a load. 

I agree with other posters who suggest trust issues. If you do trust him, then discuss his reasons. Don't be jealous of another's fantasies and me time...it isn't about you. If you don't trust him then find a partner you do trust. Masturbation is not cheating. 

 

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  • 3 years later...
On 6/10/2017 at 12:04 PM, JoelR said:

I think part of the reason for Danny's personal discomfort is that he's self-aware, and perhaps feeling a bit lacking.  Based upon the anecdote, Danny was concerned about his boyfriend texting prior flings, and now he's worried about his boyfriend getting his release through porn.  I think there are deeper trust issues going on.  

With that said, the unfortunate reality is that it can be very easy for porn to be an outlet since it's everywhere, and it's just as easy to hook-up on the sly.  

It sounds to me thar Danny is projecting his own insecurities on his BF.  His own sense of worthlessness makes him feel like everything his BF is doing is looking for something better, that his BF is just settling until the real “right guy” comes along.  His insecurities don’t let him hear the live, marriage, etc.  He needs to learn to love himself before he can accept anyone else’s love - else he will destroy relationship after relationship by continually testing his lovers.

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